On my life and important lessons

Honestly, I have been thinking about time a lot lately. I think losing family members when I was younger gave me a raw awareness of time and the frailty of it all. The gift of every season. I think the awareness of time and realizing the value of each day and season is a bit of a gift in the midst of sadness and loss in a way. It definitely changes you, doesn't it?


Right before my 13th birthday, my grandparents house caught on fire. They came to stay with us a short while and it was in the middle of some already-hard things. Within these younger-teenage years... my niece had come to live with us, my sister was sent to the hospital more than once by an abusive boyfriend, my brother Joel and I were new to homeschooling, every family member was fighting with someone, my brother John joined the military and moved away and my mom was upset all the time about all that was going on. My dad often slept into the afternoon most days and went to the doctors each week; always believing he had some sort of illness. I always felt scared of him. I felt alone.

Shortly after my grandparents were able to move back into their home, my grandfather had a stroke. and shortly after that... my grandmother also had a stroke and passed away. 2 weeks or so after her funeral, my uncle (whom lived with them), committed suicide. Grandpa lived in a nursing home for a little while before his home got broken into and someone attempted to set it on fire again... and eventually, he passed away as well.

During much of this, my mom tried to figure out a way to leave my father. For many reasons. My mom decided it was time to walk away. We were trying to leave without him knowing because we were scared of him.

I remember sitting in my room the day we left home. I had my markers, pens and paper out as I sat on my floor, writing. Not knowing it would be the last moment I'd ever spend in my bedroom. It was a cloudy day like today. My mom came in with her waitress uniform on to tell me that we had to leave right away. That my dad found out she was planning on leaving him and we had to leave before he came back home. I threw some clothes in a bag, looked at my room and my bed and then ran downstairs.

He did come back. and he held onto her arm so tightly. Pleading for her not to leave. I remember telling him to let go of her. And my brother Jim coming over and saying he couldn't help right then because a delivery truck was at the restaurant.

I remember my heart racing in the car. I remember feeling sad for my room and the things I treasured inside it. I remember feeling scared my dad would hurt my dog and my cat. I was scared my dad would find us and hurt us.

A week after my mom left my father, he committed suicide. My sister had gone to tell him we were coming for some of our things and to not hurt us. That we needed our clothes, our beds, our blankets, our dog and cat. and when she went to go into the garage, she found him there. hanging.

My mom had bought a little trailer in a town away from my cousins house.

My mom worked full time. I remember doing sit ups in my room through out the night while I watched late night t.v.. I would sleep in until noon or 1:00 the next day. Looking through my highschool Math and English books when I got up. Taping pictures upon pictures from magazines on to my wall. Writing. I felt a haunting sadness I'll never forget. I didn't feel like eating and hardly did during that time. I cried a lot. My brother Joel and my mom going through their own things. The days were quiet and long. I felt like I didn't have purpose. I felt alone. Life and the world seemed scary.

One day, I went to visit my cousin. She suggested going for a walk with a neighbor friend she liked named Matt.

Matt's neighbor was Josh. and he invited Josh to come along to meet up with us too.

The day I met Josh, I knew that he'd be my husband some day. It was this peace that came over in my heart after we met. Something in me just knew. We hardly knew each other. I didn't say this to him then. But something in me just knew.

I look back at my teenage years and it reminds me so much of one of those grids that slide up and down. Though, most of it was an arrow sharply moving downward, he was the arrow that helped move it up, up, up.


I think so much of life and time is just taking your story and being right here and now with it. Realizing and having the compassion and awareness that we are all presently here with our own stories. Our own faults. Our own joys.

We plan, and plan, and plan... but will we even be there in the future? I do agree to planning. We have to hope for long lives. We most certainly have to be ready. But when our lives become nothing but investing into a future and hoping for more or better in the future... what happens with now? From the good nows to the difficult nows. Do you know what I mean?

I don't want to spend any season of my life, wishing it away. Every season is meaningful to mold you into the human being that God intended you to be. I truly believe this.

That hard season of my life taught me everything I know about being kind and compassionate to others. It opened my eyes and ears to the lonely. It taught me to be soft. It gave me compassion for the broken. To listen. I learned what love was and what mattered. and just how much I needed God. It taught me gratitude.

Time means something different for all of us and quite simply said... I value it. I value now. I value yesterday and I'll value all my tomorrows. Because the hardest seasons in my life taught me how.

If I could learn such wonderful lessons before... what more will future seasons in my life teach me?

What a gift it is to hurt sometimes.

What a gift it is indeed.